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Monday, June 7, 2010

Bar Study

This is how I felt today, but sans window. I've been studying for the Illinois Bar for about a solid week now and I've just had my official first panic attack. I think it was a combination of sucking at torts, the easiest subject there is, and having all of this work piled on top of me. That and being in a room with no windows where the doors are pulled closed and the lights are off, it just got to me and I had to get outside. Not fun. I felt like I couldn't focus and I couldn't think for myself. Case in point: Joe asked me if we needed anything for the house and I couldn't come up with "paper towels" but instead said "kitchen papers." That's what happens when I freak out, its like my brain short circuits. I felt a tightness in my chest and I wanted to sleep or run a marathon.

I know in writing this I'm probably committing the cardinal sin in showing how utterly scary and stressful all of this really is, but I'm thinking maybe other fellow bar studiers out there will stumble upon this and feel a sense of comfort that maybe they aren't freaking out as much as I am, or if they are, that they are not alone.

It took me a good 4 hours to pull myself together. I know I can't do that all the time... but I needed it this time. I tired about 7 things before I found the right cocktail of methods to slow my mind, heartbeat and stomach (I started throwing up to boot, no pun intended) and went off back into my lair to study.

Once I got back upstairs into the world that is piled too high with matching Kaplan books, I got right back to business and pounded out what I needed to do, and did decently well on what I needed to and really only have one thing left for tonight that I want to do before retiring, which isn't too bad considering my derailment and that its 7:30pm.

But yes... I panicked, HARD. And yes, it was ugly and I'm glad that I was at home alone for the majority of it losing my mind like the little lost puppy that I am. Hopefully I've gained some coping skills from it, and I don't come out of this with any more insane habits.

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